In Limbo

Sometimes it's ok to let go. This is not an easy lesson to learn for me, as I tend to hold on to things much past their usefulness or their ability to bring me happiness. However, it's something that we all have to learn and I'm in the midst of letting go of something that has meant a great deal to me. It hurts too much to hold on but I don't know what will happen when I do finally let it go. I'm scared that I'll want it back, even to my detriment simply because it was mine. Even now, it still makes me smile and takes my breath away.

And more than what I'm releasing, I am letting go a part of myself, part of the person I became when it was mine, when the future lay stretched out upon a road before me, lit by the light of a thousand possibilities. Now, looking back, the path was full of signs and missed opportunities, and unknown branches that I'll never get to tread now.

And I've thought about just shifting gears, letting go of the emotional baggage tied up in this whole situation. And at times, I think I can do just that, cut out the bad and leave the good. And yet, it seems I always fall into those habits that only bring new feelings of discomfort and doubt. So perhaps a clean break is in order. The bad moments, the hurt and confusion, I can keep as reminders, as a lesson learned and move forward, move on, away from the pain. I'll find a place to look back and from a distance of time and space, where the feelings won't be so strong, and the patina of age will beautify that which has left me wondering why I ever started down this road.

It is still hard, no matter what logic I apply, no matter which side I try to convince myself is best, I still find myself holding on, trying to let go, and not knowing which I want, and which is right. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't be happier with a road map, knowing what turns would take me to what destination. A trip tick pen and a glossy page with times and destinations, avoiding the construction zones and cruising easily through life to where I wanted to be. I guess I'll just have to learn to enjoy the scenery on my little side trips, since no one has a map of my life laid out with all it's twists and turns and straight lines.

Even though it hurts now, I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I met this curious and hungry giraffe at the Wild Animal Park in San Diego in early October. Isn't she beautiful??

Too many favorites?

Books are important to me, I love them, the smell of freshly opened pages, the heft of the book in my hand, the quick flick of the page, and the reluctance to put one down. I also love having their physical presence in my home, to look around at all the different places books have found to stay, different sizes of bookshelves, small piles on the dining room table, three or four on my nightstand, a row of cookbooks on my kitchen counter. So when I was filling out my profile, I wandered through my home and made a quick list of my very favorite books, the ones I return to, that I am drawn to, to re-read and find fresh new things as well as beloved characters and well known adventures. And to save space (I was thinking ahead here!) I wrote down some of my favorite authors, ones I have handfuls to rows of books on, ones I look for first when I enter the hallowed walls of the library or the bookstore.

I put in my list (ok, it was kinda long - more than 15...ok more than 25) and I saved my profile. And they didn't all fit! I realize some of the names are long - All Quiet on the Western Front, that's a lot of characters...but but but, I didn't think I could have TOO many favorites. I suppose I could limit it to Genres, but that seems to take the meat out of my list. *sigh* Or I could limit it to my very very favorites, but the list really wouldn't drop down that much...

So I left in the books themselves, and cut out the authors and decided to put it here, for all to see. Because it's not like I'm liable to forget. I have the luxury of going to the shelf and pulling down any of my beloved books, or running my finger along their spines in search of the perfect book.

Of all the books I've read and all the authors I've followed, here is the ultimate list of favorites. For today.

Anthony, Asimov, Bradbury, Card, Eddings, Heinlein, Kurtz, Oates, Rowling, Weis & Hickman

See, that doesn't seem so long, does it?

Rocky Mountain Horror Picture Show

Now that was a show!

Last night I went, as I have for the last few years, to the Cabaret Diosa Halloween Show at the Boulder Theater. As in years past, the show sold out nearly a week before, and there were tons of crazy people, from college kids to middle-aged adults, crowding into the beautiful, historic Boulder Theater. I would say that nearly everyone I saw was in costume, celebrating the night of the dead a bit early. Costumes of note: Dandelion in Seed, Spy vs Spy, Lego People, tons of Magenta's, not so many Riff's, Greek Gods incl. Pan (hottie!), The Bride (pretty good rendition, too), there was even a dangling Chad in honor of election day.

This year I found a seat in the balcony and planted myself there for the evening. This worked out as I got to watch the crowd and not so much participate in the drunken revelry (tho I did nurse a black russian thru the first set). I had a mostly unobstructed view of the entire stage the entire night, worth the price of admission.

Devotchka opened, in skull face-paint, and got the crowd dancing, moving. I really enjoyed their set, I need to go get their new CD, some of the new songs I heard were hauntingly, madly beautiful. Some of the guys from Cabaret joined in for a song, which included three trumpets and a mandolin *ahh*

After the Costume contest (A smashing version of Magenta - best Rocky Horror, Dandelion in Seed - best environmental, the 6 Madonna's - best thematic, & Spy vs Spy - best of show, ) and Mendel's really quite nice Australian accent (or was it British - ok whatever, it was nice) the big screen came down and the lights dimmed.

The opening bars to the 21st Century Faux theme came on, then the image, complete with a spotlight (visibly hand held) and then The Lips appeared. Everyone erupted with cheers. The tune was the same, but the words differed as The Lips sang about the past Cabaret halloween shows, including Alice in Wonderland, Circus Macabre, Circus Contraption & the Creep Show, Captain Cork and Dark Flavor. Then the steeple from the opening scene of Rocky Horror came up with Cabaret Diosa and friends remaking the chapel scene.

They did a wonderful job of adapting the show then the live action started taking place on stage. Throughout the night the movie kicked in with tidbits - memorably Pablo as the Criminologist doing the Time Warp. The songs from R.H. were wonderfully done, the costuming superb, and the set, while minimalist on stage with some statues, stained glass, and red walls, was amazing with the detail on the props (the resurrection tank - to die for). Many thanks to the brilliant and talented Ren and Mendel.

Cast:
Montana del Fuego as Janet Weis
Nick Urata as Brad Majors
Juan del Queso as Dr Frankenfurter
Pablo de Gallo as the Criminologist / Minion
Don Grandissimo as Riff Raff
Miguel Ramos as Magenta
Manuel Rabinizimo as Rocky
Diego Rabinizimo as Photographer
Dinkis Con Crema as Eddie
Juan de la Selva as Ralph / Minion
Trish Land as Columbia
The Frequent Flyers - Chorus / Dancers

Oh so tempted to go back again tonight...if there's no snow and if I can get a nap in between now and then...and maybe call in sick...or at least in a coma...

Introduction of sorts

Everyone has chaos in their life. Everyone deals with the tumblings the universe hands out in different ways. And beauty can come from chaos, in fact, chaos itself can be beautiful.

One of the ways I deal with the chaos of my life is to write.

So here I am, writing to you, to help make sense and to help me birth that dancing star.