In Limbo

Sometimes it's ok to let go. This is not an easy lesson to learn for me, as I tend to hold on to things much past their usefulness or their ability to bring me happiness. However, it's something that we all have to learn and I'm in the midst of letting go of something that has meant a great deal to me. It hurts too much to hold on but I don't know what will happen when I do finally let it go. I'm scared that I'll want it back, even to my detriment simply because it was mine. Even now, it still makes me smile and takes my breath away.

And more than what I'm releasing, I am letting go a part of myself, part of the person I became when it was mine, when the future lay stretched out upon a road before me, lit by the light of a thousand possibilities. Now, looking back, the path was full of signs and missed opportunities, and unknown branches that I'll never get to tread now.

And I've thought about just shifting gears, letting go of the emotional baggage tied up in this whole situation. And at times, I think I can do just that, cut out the bad and leave the good. And yet, it seems I always fall into those habits that only bring new feelings of discomfort and doubt. So perhaps a clean break is in order. The bad moments, the hurt and confusion, I can keep as reminders, as a lesson learned and move forward, move on, away from the pain. I'll find a place to look back and from a distance of time and space, where the feelings won't be so strong, and the patina of age will beautify that which has left me wondering why I ever started down this road.

It is still hard, no matter what logic I apply, no matter which side I try to convince myself is best, I still find myself holding on, trying to let go, and not knowing which I want, and which is right. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't be happier with a road map, knowing what turns would take me to what destination. A trip tick pen and a glossy page with times and destinations, avoiding the construction zones and cruising easily through life to where I wanted to be. I guess I'll just have to learn to enjoy the scenery on my little side trips, since no one has a map of my life laid out with all it's twists and turns and straight lines.

Even though it hurts now, I wouldn't give it up for the world.